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rageofaquarius
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Name: lena
Country: United States
State: West Virginia
Birthday: 2/7/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: harry potter, lord of the rings, politics, political science, books, poetry, writing, girls, intellectual conversations, love, romance, cats
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  le illusionaire
Member Since:
10/12/2004
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| i've been doing a lot of philosophical thinking this morning. i have come to the conclusion that i really am naive and innocent, more than i would ever admit outside of this journal. i mean, i've seen and done some "out there" things, but i still view a lot of situations and ideas with naivete. just because i've seen a lot and went through a lot doesn't automatically give me "experience" or "worldliness." i'm more sensitive than i'd ever care to acknowledge. that thought scares me so much because everyone knows people like that are crushed so easily by careless people. even though things are fucked up i still hold hope, even when i shouldn't have any hope at all. it makes me feel so fragile, like i wasn't mean for this world because this world's too harsh and i'm too idealistic. the world undermines idealism every day. mind you, it doesn't disprove it or supersede it, but cynicism has a way of chipping at things. i know i need to be tougher but i don't know if i have it within me sometimes. i always work better as part of a team, and there's no one to help me. i don't want to become insensitive. i wish i didn't have to become worldly. things are just changing so much. all i want is someone to hold me to their heart. i don't care...as long as they're sincere.
i've been filling my time at marshall with insincere people who have insincere motives. i mean, none of these people i've thought about in a romantic sense ever had romantic intentions toward me. not one of them. i'm just another girl with a pretty face, too much faith in people, and no one to protect her. i hate being that girl. i hate being me because i'm afraid for myself.
i don't know if i could ever let go enough to loosen up and not be on my guard. i mean, lisa, wow. i keep thinking about her and i'd like to see her. if she could see into my mind there's no way she could bring herself to believe that i'm putting her off. but, i mean, i've got to look out for myself, yeah? i've got to put up some kind of tough, resistant barrier between the outside world and my soft insides. it's just so hard to trust anymore because people don't know what's good for other people. this world moves too fast, and i like to take my time and savor each drop of life. being rushed is painful and messy, and i can't afford messy anymore. i'm too old to keep fucking up like i have been doing all my life. there is nothing more dangerous than an idealistic girl with a lonely heart. she'll keep trying to fill it up with all the wrong people who want her for all the wrong reasons. it's been proven.
i was eating dinner with chrissy and charlie and one of charlie's friends came up. he told me i had pretty eyes and all that come-on junk. we had a conversation like this:
him: how can i get ahold of you later?
me: with your hands, duh. (because, you know, how else would you get ahold of something?)
him: okay. >:) so i'll just walk up to you and grab you.
me: yeah, and i'll kick you in the balls.
guys are so stupid.
yeah, anyway, so my favorite part of the day now is showering. seriously. there's nothing like feeling so clean and fresh and brand new, is there? it's nice to turn the water so that it has a hint of a chill. you feel so clean and revitalized. i could shower all day. that way i could feel clean all the time.
i am well aware of the way i look, okay? i know i'm not "beautiful" but i know how i'm seen. "hot" or whatever it-word you want to use for it. i can't believe i'm beautiful because no one sees the true beauty of me. i know how i can act sometimes too. i think i give people the wrong impression. i'm not all dark eyes and curling lips, i swear. i can be very provocative when i want to be, i know this. i use this when i need to but sometimes it takes hold of me and won't let go and i say things and do things i shouldn't, knowing better all the while but not being able to resist. i know what it comes from, i know why. i just don't want to be alone, i just want people to not forget about me, but some devil in me takes that fear and warps it and there you go, lena's being a bad girl when she's really not at all. there might be a devil on the outside but there's an angel, tarnished though she may be, on the inside. i promise. you just have to look for it, to want to find it. i guess i make them expect a lot with the way i look and act and then when i hesitate they try to take and take and take. it's like i don't even have a mind sometimes. i'm all physical. when i don't try to look good, i just throw on clothes or whatever, no one gives a fuck about me and no one cares about what i have to say. oh, but when i try to doll myself up, when i'm like, oh, let's look nice today, wow. everyone's all up in that. ask me about my opinions, dammit, ask me if i want to go stargazing or have a candlelit dinner or if i want to marry you or something! quit trying to get into my pants, because let me tell you, that'll only happen when i'm ready and when you've proven that you're going to stick around and you're not in it because i have big breasts or something. i mean, jesus. i'm capable of philosophic thought, i can speak intelligently on many subjects, i've got a romantic streak as big as the ocean, i'm sassy and i can be intriguing and i like animals and babies and i might make a good mum someday and i try my best to do what i can for my friends. oh my god. i wish i were strong enough to kick the ass of every person who's ever done crazy shit to me to me. but alas. i need a superwoman. or at least someone to hug me to their side and give mean looks to the assholes in the world for me. i can do it for myself but some people just don't get it when a girl says no. they keep pressing and pressing and, well, you know how that ends up. another statistic. i wish i were big enough to give myself a royal asskicking for letting people get away with doing crazy shit to me, for letting them make me feel inferior and unworth it and for being such a bloody freaking idiot sometimes.
sometimes i wish i could get to know me. i'm like a stranger to myself these days. i don't talk to me anymore. i don't keep up with myself because my mind's moving so fast and i can't catch up with it and my body's so slow and tired. i need someone to put color back in my face because i feel just like death: bloodless and pale. which makes no sense because i am a tanned individual, but whatever. it just seems apropos. i think if i tried to clear all the dust that's settled on top of my personality lately i could try to get to know me. but i'm afraid i won't like me.
i've just got to put a stopper in whatever this is. i wish i knew an easier way to get rid of this hunger inside me than finding someone to heal it. it's just so hard to know who's sincere and who isn't. i thought i was good at figuring this stuff out. grandmother didn't raise a fool but she sheltered her granddaughter too much in some places and not enough in others. i trusted my mom's boyfriend, i trusted everyone who's fucked me over since i first dared someone to steal my heart years ago. i trusted all the friends i let in who backstabbed me. who knows? perhaps i didn't trust the people i should've quite enough. and for that i'm sorry. i don't even know if this is all i want to say. i'm sure there are a million more jagged little thoughts running through my mind but my mental fingers are bleeding enough from picking up the ones i've already laid out in this journal. so i'll save it for another entry, perhaps one in which i actually make sense.
helplessness sucks. it's like a broken wing. you want to fly but it hurts so bad to even attempt it, and you don't know what to do. you just don't know. maybe when angels touch the ground, they lose their divinity. i wish i could know for sure.
somewhere there's a stolen halo
i used to watch her wear it well
everything would shine wherever she would go
but looking at her now you'll never tell
she wants someone to call her angel
someone to put the light back in her eyes
she's looking through the faces and unfamiliar places
she needs someone to hear her when she cries
she just needs a little help
to wash away the pain she's felt
she wants to feel the healing hands
of someone who understands
or maybe i'm just full of shit. | | |
| what did i do today? hmm. i actually dressed up for once, and looked halfway decent. i'm proud. went to communications, was bored, came back and napped till poli sci, went to poli sci, hung out with don afterward, had some campy fun, ate a taco salad and felt even fatter than usual...what else. i partially wrote a poem today in math! i'm starting to like math for the simple fact that i do my best writing in there. i can also do the work reasonably well so it's not like i'm missing out on what i should really be doing. es muy bien. anyway, i'm going to do some work on my speech (probably jotting things on notecards) and then i'll work on my poem till lisa gets on. theeeen i'll see if she wants to do anything tonight, and theeeen i'll just go from there. but rest assured, i'll have that poem posted as soon as it's finished. | | |
| the roommate is watching save the last dance, and i suspect she's going to be watching tv till rather late tonight. she did that the other night and i almost died because she was up till two-thirty. i felt like shit anyway because i was sick, so i didn't get to sleep around three. i had a six o'clock wake-up call too. i like her and all, but i'm so rooming with someone i know next year.
the only thing that's happened, really, is that i've worked on the visual aid for my communications speech on friday, and i've talked to lisa some more. she's definitely interested. how do i know? her asking "when's our first date?" is a pretty good giveaway. and wow, am i really attracted to her. something like this hasn't happened since lina. i could say megan, but what was megan, anyway? a summer romance thing? yeah.
here's a poem, in honor of my first xanga entry. it's not much, but it rhymes, unlike most of my poetry.
magic of you and me
i remember how it was
the way it used to be
when everything in the world
revolved around you and me
it wasn't so long ago
though it now feels that way
who would have thought that we
could ever fade into yesterday?
so now how do i tell you
how do i make you see
that i wanna make it work
again between you and me?
tell me now, tell me true
are we still meant to be?
can we still get it back--
the magic of you and me?
yes. so. don and i are going to be hot tomorrow, so that means i have to get off here and get some beauty sleep. i refuse to take naps between classes tomorrow. if i want to hang out with lisa, i'll have to get my homework done between classes so my evening can be free.
i feel ripped off because they don't have a stroke of luck by garbage under currently playing for music. that song, besides being my favorite song, is so totally me right now...the whole thing about meeting someone and not knowing if they're good for you. "a stroke of luck or a gift from god? the hand of fate or devils' claws? from below or saints above? you come to me now."
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